it's hard to express how i've really been feeling lately, or to even make sense of it. i haven't been in the best health, of body and mind - i'm constantly tired, fatigued, neurotic - and i feel like the old world, as i knew it, is coming to an end.
my family is weathering the most significant financial turbulence i've known, and relations are honestly rancid. i cry often for my mother despite the barrier between us. i've accepted i am not capable of fixing any of this; i cannot be the unifier i thought i could be. i don't know if time is the medicine here or what - but i am still learning what i can and cannot do.
i cannot help but recognize a fracture in this shrinking circle i've belonged to. i don't really make sense to anyone else when i talk about this. for the best part of 24 years, i've found most of my community online. i've been in these purgatorial "between phases" countless times, and this time brings me the most confusion. maybe it's the fatigue? i just can't help but feel disillusioned - this isn't anyone's fault but the poison of my own perspective. i can't make sense of my mistakes and missteps anymore. i don't really know what i'm doing right or wrong, or if i even know what right or wrong is. i don't want to sit here, though i don't want to delude myself into hurting others.
as i'm typing this, i am less than three months away from receiving my associates'. i'm not sure where i'm going after this, i just know that i am. it hasn't been until this final year at the technical college that i've made what feels like any form of profound companionship, and it's just my luck that this connection is moving away - elsewhere. a sign that i really need to get going? maybe! maybe that's true.
i am able to remain afloat in no small part thanks to the radiant love and companionship i share with my beautiful and special partner. i struggle to find the words here, but that's the fun part of love, to me. i've never been able to feel this secure with someone else - fear comes more naturally to me than most things, and she nullifies it outright.